Kramer Finds a Monkey
by thesemimaster
Summary: Kramer finds a monkey, which causes trouble for everyone. Rated T for awkward future situations.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own any of these characters except the one I made up. This story is rated K+ for extra Kramer.

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Jerry was sitting on his couch watching TV when his door opened with the sound of skidding feet. "Hey, Kramer," he said without even turning to look.

"Hey, Jerry," was the response. He continued to watch his show while hearing someone fumbling around in the kitchen. Then Kramer said, "Hey do you happen to have some fresh bananas around here?"

Jerry shook his head without looking away from the screen. "No, Elaine ate the last one yesterday. There's some oranges in the fridge."

"No, it's gotta be bananas," Kramer said, sighing. "I guess I have no choice but to go to the store and buy some. Will you watch Popeye for a few minutes?"

"Sure, wait what? I'm watching Scooby-doo, not Popeye," Jerry said, turning around. He looked at Kramer, then he looked over at the chimp that Kramer had just sat on the counter. Then he looked at Kramer again.

"What is that?" he asked.

"This is Popeye," Kramer answered. "He came in through my open window last night while I was asleep. I was a little worried at first, but after a few minutes we had become great friends. He's almost like the little brother that I never had, but wish I did. I'm going to let him live with me."

Jerry was silent for a second. "First of all, get him off the counter. There should never be direct butt-to-kitchen surface contact in this apartment." Kramer picked the monkey up and carried hip over to the couch.

"Are you happy now?" Kramer asked, sitting down beside his new friend.

"No, I am not happy," Jerry said with a face that was not happy. "Don't you ever watch nature shows or read books. Don't you know that those things get as strong as ten men put together?"

Kramer shrugged. "So, that just means that he could help me move my furniture around. I like lots of space. I could keep at it until I could fit a toilet in every room of the house. That's an idea that's been rolling around in my head for a while. A toilet in every room! It'll be a revolution, Jerry, a revolution! No more lines at parties and if one clogs up, you just move to next one. And, best of all, if you get tired of the couch, you just move to the toilet and watch TV. I can't wait!"

"Well, if I ever needed a reason not to visit your apartment, I just got one." Jerry looked down at the monkey that was sitting beside Kramer. "Make that two reasons." Jerry paused and took a breath. "Look, Kramer, this is not a goldfish. It's not even a dog. It takes professionals to take care of animals like this and the only thing that you're professional at is-- well like I said, people are trained to care for wild animals. Remember the old phrase, 'If you love it, set it free.' You must let Popeye go back to his people."

Kramer's face contorted and he started to cry. "I don't want to give him up. I don't want to lose my brother. We only started to become family. Don't break up our family Jerry, please don't break up our family."

"Well, I do agree that you look like family, I'll give you that." There was a knock at the door. "Don't let it out of your sight, Kramer," Jerry said as he started walking over towards the door. "The last thing we need is that monkey running around the building." Jerry opened the door.

"Hello, Jerry."

"Hello, Newman."

"Kramer called me this morning and said that he wanted to show me something." Newman stepped into the apartment and saw Kramer standing beside the couch. "Hey, what was it you wanted to show-- hurrk!!"

Just as Newman was about to finish his sentence, Jerry saw something flying through the air and right past his head. The next thing he saw was that something collide with Newman's face that could be described as a freshly baked mud pie. Newman started coughing and clawing at his face. Then he turned and ran from the room. Jerry heard him screaming, "Not again!" as he ran down the hall.

Jerry turned and looked at Kramer with a confused expression. Kramer gave Jerry a confused shrug. They both looked at Popeye who gave them a chimpish smile.

After taking a moment to gather his composure, Jerry said, "You know, I would really hate to be labeled a home-wrecker, so I have decided to bestow my blessings upon your family. I don't want anything to become between you and your brother."

Kramer gave a big and said, "Giddy-up!" He grabbed Jerry's hand and and shook it hard.

"Calm down K-man, no thanks necessary." Popeye walked over to Jerry and extended his hand for Jerry to shake. Jerry gave him a thumbs up. "I make it a personal policy never to shake hands with something that handles feces on daily basis. But you do deserve something for nailing Newman like you did."

"Well, I'm going to the store and get some bananas," Kramer said. He looked down at Popeye. "You mind your Uncle Jerry while I'm gone." He then left the room.

Jerry stared down at the wild animal his friend had just left him with. Then he slightly started. "Wait, did he just call me a monkey's uncle?"


	2. Chapter 2

Jerry walked to his spot in front of his audience and said, "Do you ever get the feeling that of all the soft drinks, Dr. Pepper is probably the snootiest? I mean there's Coca-cola. Cola sounds like cool. It's like the type of people you want to hang out with. There's Pepsi, sound's like it's happy, you know, full of pep. And then there's Dr. Pepper. It's the one that has it's wall full of diplomas showing how much smarter it than you and the one that has both summer and winter homes showing how much richer it is than you. If you use your imagination when you open the can or bottle, you can almost hear the fizz saying, 'Your lucky I'm not making you wait a hour to drink me." Jerry paused to listen to the audience's reaction and heard nothing but silence. "What you didn't like that one?"

Popeye responded with, "Phhhhhbbbb!"

Jerry sat down at the table. "Nobody likes a critic, but maybe it does need a little work." He looked at his watch. "I really wish Kramer would hurry up. No human being should take four hours to buy bananas." He looked over at his guest. "So, do you have a girlfriend?" Popeye just kept starring at Jerry. "If you don't, you actually have the right idea. The dating scene is a jungle out there." Popeye continued to stare at Jerry for a moment, then hopped out of the chair and climbed onto the couch and started watching TV. "Yes, every friendship should start with television."

Just as Jerry was about to stand up, his door buzzer came on. "Great, this is exactly when I need company," he grumbled as he walked over and pushed a button. "Yeah?" he said into the speaker.

"It's George," came the response.

"Come on up," he said, then pressed another button and then unlatched the door.

He turned to Popeye and said, "Now I want you to behave. I would hate it if you embarrassed me in front of my friends." He stopped and paused. "Actually, I might ought to be worried about them embarrassing me in front of you." He shrugged. "Oh well, who cares."

The door opened and George excitedly stepped inside. "You will never guess what happened to me today."

"You know, I might can take a guess," Jerry said. "You walked into a friends apartment and saw a monkey sitting on his couch."

George looked at the monkey for a few seconds. "Well, yeah that did happen, but that isn't what I was talking about. I met the love of my life today. I felt like my heart jumped out of my chest and was flying around in the big, blue sky. I can't wait to see her again."

Jerry smiled and leaned against the table. "I haven't seen you this excited in a while. Come on, give me details. What's her name and where did you meet?"

"Well, first off, she has a truly beautiful and unique name," George said. "Get this, it's Margot Estansobar."

Jerry nodded his head a little too fast. "Yes, that is a unique name. Yeah, yeah, that's right."

George studied Jerry's face. "What, you don't like the name? I think it's a great name."

"I don't know, it just sounds a little made up. That's all."

George scoffed. "What kind of a sicko would make up a name to impress someone?"

Jerry paused and pretended to think for a second. "You know it seems like I remember someone making up names before. I'm not really sure who it was exactly though." Jerry looked straight at George.

George waved Jerry away. "Bah, who cares for the past when the future is so bright. Now do want me to continue the story or do you want to keep slandering the good name of Costanza?"

"Yes, get on the story. It only takes one person to slander a name, not two."

"Well, anyway, we were standing in line at the convenience store and I was right behind her. I noticed that she had a bottle of Dr. Pepper in her hand so I decided to give her the line about how the commercials say diet tastes just like regular, but how in real life they don't really taste the same."

"Yes, I've heard your Dr. Pepper theory a few times. How did she take it?"

George smiled and said, "She said that she had told her friends that many times before. Then she noticed my Pepsi, and this is her exact words, 'You know, parties would be a lot better if people brought Pepsi instead of wine.' Can you believe it?!"

Jerry shook his head. "I'm actually having trouble believing it. Are you sure you had Pepsi in you hand and not something a little stronger?"

George laughed. "No, no, it was Pepsi. And after that lovely piece of conversation, she noticed that her Dr. Pepper had expired last week. Well that caused me to look at mine and it had expired on the exact same date. Well, we confronted the manager together and guess what happened." Jerry was about to guess but George decided to push on with the story. "We not only was able to get them for free, we were able to get all of the expired drinks for free. I always fail in those situations, but baby were we a tag team. We gave that manager a major piece of our minds. She was the rock, I was the hard place, and boy was he in between us. He was practically begging us to take them all. When we left we each had three bags full of Pepsi and Dr. Pepper."

"Well," Jerry said, "I bet you wish you knew the expiration date on your kidneys after drinking that much Pepsi."

George continued without paying attention to Jerry's remark. "The topper of the whole encounter happened right before we parted ways. We told each what our jobs were. I told her that I work for the Yankees and she seemed pretty impressed. But Jerry, try and guess what she does."

Jerry acted like he was thinking. "I don't know. How about an astronaut?"

"No, but close. She's an architect. I've always dreamed of dating an architect."

"I thought you always wanted to pretend to be an architect."

George shrugged. "They're very similar dreams." George walked over and started to pour him a glass of water. "Anyway, she wants to meet again tonight. I told her that she could come over here. You know so that I can show how good I get along with other people."

Jerry nodded. "That makes sense. The only other time she saw you interact with people you were making a convenience store manager cry. I could see how you might want to improve your image a little."

George took a drink from his glass and pointed at Popeye. "So do you think Kramer will be back for the monkey by seven tonight?"

"How did you know Kramer was involved?"

George laughed. "Who else could be the reason for a monkey to be in your apartment?"

"Yeah, you've got a point. He went out to buy some bananas over four hours ago so hopefully he'll be back by then."

"Well, I guess all we can do is wait and see. But I have my doubts."

Meanwhile, on the other side of the city, Kramer was laying face down in an alley. The man standing over him held up a paper bag. "Heh, heh. We'll take this off your hands. It must be something good the way you had it clutched to your chest." He motioned for the other two men to follow him and they quickly left the scene.

The last thing Kramer said before passing out was, "But Popeye needs his bananas."


End file.
